messy,

So life is weird.

Some how I'm completely over you and moving on to a new chapter of my life. Maybe even a new person. But I think that that may just be a vicious cycle too. We like things to be cut and dry. We like clean edges. But life sometimes isn't like that. Who am I kidding. Life is always messy. But it's the beautiful mess that makes it beautiful.

I was in the back of the theater Friday night. You are on lights for this production. I wasn't in your way. I wasn't loud. D and I sat in the corner and worked on costumes. We were in no one's way.

You thought I was out of hearing.

"Why are they here...they can come tomorrow night."

There was such distaste in your words. I thought that we might be friends again. Maybe even soon. We still get each other. More than we may care to admit. and I thought that after the lunch where we had conversation that things would improve. But you've also made amends with it. She actually defended me more than you. She is more my friend now than you are.

I'm stuck on B.
He wants to stay single.
We friend zoned each other last week.
I straight up made a pact with him this summer that we would always just be friends.

I don't think he's the right one for me.

He's just a friend that I currently greatly need.

"The older that I get, the less that I regret."

MidTerm Review

There's been ups and downs.
You don't matter. That's the biggest thing. Whatever you do doesn't matter to me.
I platformed today
Last semester when you platformed, I think I was more worried about it than you were. K and I were coming from something with MidSummer.

You weren't on good terms with me so I didn't want you to see me before you went. I wanted to let you focus by blending myself completely out.
K and I went to the commons. I prayed solidly for you for 5 minutes. I was about to cry.

I invest myself too much into other people's lives.

A few weeks later in an argument you said "You say you never have time, but I see you in the Commons with K."

And literally I was so messed up that my first reaction was that I was upset you had seen me before platform.

I have never told you.

It made me angry today.

But I rarely think about or see you. And I'm fine with that. I really am. Half the dread is gone.

Welcome back to first semester freshman year.

I miss you. I don't like you. But I miss having someone. I think there are still parts of me that love you.

The daylight came and I had to go.

Here.

You're here. I haven't seen you. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to hug you. I want to rip you to pieces.
No one told me.
I thought you'd say something.
I really thought you would.
That bites.

I found out this morning you got here yesterday afternoon. L told me. Everyone assumes us. So no one told me.

No one freaking told me.

I want to go home. I don't know if this semester can get much worse.

God, You're putting so much pressure on me and I don't know how long I can take it. I don't want to take it. I don't want to be tough.

You act so innocent. But you lied so soon.

Feeling single and proud today. I don't need your negative approach to everything. I don't need your criticism. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep up with you. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself because you'll criticise something core about me.
I shouldn't be worried that you're treating me like a test case. I shouldn't change myself at your fancy. I shouldn't be afraid to call you out on wrong doing because you'll sulk and blame me and get angry. Your ego is through the roof and I don't care if you hear me.

I don't need you and you never needed me.

When I met you in the summer

School's soon. You're in every story I tell.

I'm tired. I'm worn.

Little things

We haven't talked today. But it's cool. I haven't worried. I just missed you a little here and there.

In the smile to myself kind of way.

The way you fix your hair with your fingers all pressed together, like you're patting it back into place.

The way you only drink lemonade in varsity.

There was this time, you rattled a cup of ice in my ear for like twenty minutes. You liked annoying me and you wanted to see how big of a reaction you could get out of me. I finally had enough of it and just smacked the cup clean out of your hand.

But you had refilled it.

Lemonade everywhere.

And the funniest part was that you all acted like it was all my fault because you didnt think I was capable of it...haha.

I have my Yolo moments.

One time you said were starting to talk about bit coin, and I just jumped right in and started talking about it too. You looked at me with such shock, you couldn't believe I knew about Bit Coin. I was very proud. You were too.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

I think it's going to be those little things that get me when I get back.

The way you absent-mindedly play with your tie.