You act so innocent. But you lied so soon.

Feeling single and proud today. I don't need your negative approach to everything. I don't need your criticism. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep up with you. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself because you'll criticise something core about me.
I shouldn't be worried that you're treating me like a test case. I shouldn't change myself at your fancy. I shouldn't be afraid to call you out on wrong doing because you'll sulk and blame me and get angry. Your ego is through the roof and I don't care if you hear me.

I don't need you and you never needed me.

When I met you in the summer

School's soon. You're in every story I tell.

I'm tired. I'm worn.

Little things

We haven't talked today. But it's cool. I haven't worried. I just missed you a little here and there.

In the smile to myself kind of way.

The way you fix your hair with your fingers all pressed together, like you're patting it back into place.

The way you only drink lemonade in varsity.

There was this time, you rattled a cup of ice in my ear for like twenty minutes. You liked annoying me and you wanted to see how big of a reaction you could get out of me. I finally had enough of it and just smacked the cup clean out of your hand.

But you had refilled it.

Lemonade everywhere.

And the funniest part was that you all acted like it was all my fault because you didnt think I was capable of it...haha.

I have my Yolo moments.

One time you said were starting to talk about bit coin, and I just jumped right in and started talking about it too. You looked at me with such shock, you couldn't believe I knew about Bit Coin. I was very proud. You were too.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

I think it's going to be those little things that get me when I get back.

The way you absent-mindedly play with your tie.

Bold calls

I talked to C and T about you today.

It's really weird. I'm ok with everything. I'm in a good place.

I almost got you to call me last night. We texted until 3 am. I'll take it.

You're different. Even than before we were close...I think. I don't know if you've actually changed, if you're going through a phase, or if you're just treating me differently than ever before. I don't really know what to do with you.

All the parts of you that loved me at some time are dormant or suppressed. Somehow we're still friends.

Somehow it still works.

One time last year you called me, And I had been asleep. I answered all groggy, and you were like, "why do you sound like that!? Why do you sound...like...like a GIRL?!"

A drop in the ocean

You told me not to cry when you were gone.

It's crazy that I was basically punished for the exact same thing she was guilty of. Just because I was done convincing you I was worth it.
I wasn't going to sell myself to you. Not like she did. I'm not going to stroke your ego just to spend time with you. That means nothing.

You say you've stopped being friends with her.

I'm sure you mean it now. But I've heard it before.
That's one of your problems. You're so open minded you can't hold a decision.
And I know her too.
She's not giving you up this easily. She thinks she's giving you space now. And then the semester will be back to how it was. She'll start following you around like a lost puppy again.

Maybe it will.

You choose her. You reached out to me after you failed. That's not good enough. I don't care if I'm the one that knows you're allergic to Greek yogurt and you don't like ginger. That your favorite roast of coffee is Colombian. That your parents woke you up in the middle night when you were five and surprised you by leaving for Disney.

You chose already.

I'm your friend.

Welcome to square one. Square two is baggage claim.

Shots Fired

I've talked a lot about you lately.

I've talked a lot to you lately.

We're so different. Each and together.

I'm talking to someone else from school lately. It's nbd.

I feel like there's flickers of the you I know in our conversations. I don't know if you've actually changed and there's just moments where I see the old you, or if you are suppressing yourself to me.

I've changed. I've changed how I talk to you. I give you as much attention as you give me. If you want me you have to do something about it.

I'm no side chick.

Even beyond me, you need to grow up for yourself. Doesn't matter who you change for, it's temporary unless you want it.

If you told me you loved me I'm not sure what I'd do.

I might smack you actually.
At least I might feel that way. I think we all know I'm pretty much a pacifist at heart.

There'd be a rush up hope, followed by a pit of fear and hurt. Then uncertainty. And then a lot of anger.

I got hit on at my coffee shop today. He wasn't too bad actually.

I have to admit, I really miss our late night phone calls. Let's be real.

Who are we?
Who will we be?

Shots fired.

Power cries.

Power cries are literally the best. Lose it all and then walk away.

Let's go.

Holding out

Today is your birthday.
My plan was to text you at midnight. About your mug. But there was a change of plans.

Because you texted me.

In the middle of yesterday afternoon.

About politics.

What.

I gave it to you straight tho. 😏
"Are you asking because you're bored, you're trying to prove a point or because you actually value my opinion"

You choose the right answer.

We talked about it, and about my kids in my class. And about school.

I sent you my pithy birthday wish around 10:30 because I was tired.

You ignored it. How like you.

But you said Night.

We haven't said goodnight since before the fallout.
I may have freaked.

And there was today. We're still talking now and you're being open again. And consoling my frustration from bad grades.

And my heart is thawing but I don't want it to.

I don't want it to.

The best advice giver

I give advice. A lot. I seek people out when I know something's up. It's not that I intend to advise them, I just usually end up doing it. I've been involved in several relationships this summer but I'm tired of giving everyone else advice. I'm not tired of them, or their problems...No, I love it.

I just want to advise my own relationship.

I thought I was ok. It comes back and laps at my ankles. Calling me back down.

Like the time you said someone cut their hair like mine to attract guys like you.

Yeah you actually said that and want me to believe I was friend zoned the whole time. K says you're in  denial. I don't know what to think.

I know what my gut tells me. What it's told me the whole time. Even while we were happy.

You're scared. You're afraid of commitment. Of a real relationship. And I get that. I'm scared too.

But just because you're scared doesn't mean that you can pretend it was never there. Doesn't mean you can talk yourself out of your feelings until you've convinced yourself and then try to sell me that lie.

That's what hurts. The fact that you won't come clean.

Who cares. She'll reinforce that delusion and then we're nowhere.

When she says those words that hurt you will you read the ones I wrote you.

Or remember when you tried to tell me I looked pretty in the rain.

I guess I'm ok.

It's been awhile. I think that's why I'm ok.

Somewhere in between your apologies and dropping off the face of the earth again I've moved on. I can't explain it. I should be just as broken. More so, by talking to you and losing you yet again.

Your birthday is a week from today. I'll text you, but it's not a big deal now.

I'm still worried about what she'll do to you. We'll see how that goes when the time comes.

I can look back on the good times now. The morning coffee dates. The time you made me late to rehearsal because you had to buy me candy "RIGHT NOW"
the days we'd spend the whole day together and still not be done.

I remember the times you let yourself love me.