messy,

So life is weird.

Some how I'm completely over you and moving on to a new chapter of my life. Maybe even a new person. But I think that that may just be a vicious cycle too. We like things to be cut and dry. We like clean edges. But life sometimes isn't like that. Who am I kidding. Life is always messy. But it's the beautiful mess that makes it beautiful.

I was in the back of the theater Friday night. You are on lights for this production. I wasn't in your way. I wasn't loud. D and I sat in the corner and worked on costumes. We were in no one's way.

You thought I was out of hearing.

"Why are they here...they can come tomorrow night."

There was such distaste in your words. I thought that we might be friends again. Maybe even soon. We still get each other. More than we may care to admit. and I thought that after the lunch where we had conversation that things would improve. But you've also made amends with it. She actually defended me more than you. She is more my friend now than you are.

I'm stuck on B.
He wants to stay single.
We friend zoned each other last week.
I straight up made a pact with him this summer that we would always just be friends.

I don't think he's the right one for me.

He's just a friend that I currently greatly need.

"The older that I get, the less that I regret."

MidTerm Review

There's been ups and downs.
You don't matter. That's the biggest thing. Whatever you do doesn't matter to me.
I platformed today
Last semester when you platformed, I think I was more worried about it than you were. K and I were coming from something with MidSummer.

You weren't on good terms with me so I didn't want you to see me before you went. I wanted to let you focus by blending myself completely out.
K and I went to the commons. I prayed solidly for you for 5 minutes. I was about to cry.

I invest myself too much into other people's lives.

A few weeks later in an argument you said "You say you never have time, but I see you in the Commons with K."

And literally I was so messed up that my first reaction was that I was upset you had seen me before platform.

I have never told you.

It made me angry today.

But I rarely think about or see you. And I'm fine with that. I really am. Half the dread is gone.

Welcome back to first semester freshman year.

I miss you. I don't like you. But I miss having someone. I think there are still parts of me that love you.

The daylight came and I had to go.

Here.

You're here. I haven't seen you. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to hug you. I want to rip you to pieces.
No one told me.
I thought you'd say something.
I really thought you would.
That bites.

I found out this morning you got here yesterday afternoon. L told me. Everyone assumes us. So no one told me.

No one freaking told me.

I want to go home. I don't know if this semester can get much worse.

God, You're putting so much pressure on me and I don't know how long I can take it. I don't want to take it. I don't want to be tough.

You act so innocent. But you lied so soon.

Feeling single and proud today. I don't need your negative approach to everything. I don't need your criticism. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to keep up with you. I shouldn't be afraid to be myself because you'll criticise something core about me.
I shouldn't be worried that you're treating me like a test case. I shouldn't change myself at your fancy. I shouldn't be afraid to call you out on wrong doing because you'll sulk and blame me and get angry. Your ego is through the roof and I don't care if you hear me.

I don't need you and you never needed me.

When I met you in the summer

School's soon. You're in every story I tell.

I'm tired. I'm worn.

Little things

We haven't talked today. But it's cool. I haven't worried. I just missed you a little here and there.

In the smile to myself kind of way.

The way you fix your hair with your fingers all pressed together, like you're patting it back into place.

The way you only drink lemonade in varsity.

There was this time, you rattled a cup of ice in my ear for like twenty minutes. You liked annoying me and you wanted to see how big of a reaction you could get out of me. I finally had enough of it and just smacked the cup clean out of your hand.

But you had refilled it.

Lemonade everywhere.

And the funniest part was that you all acted like it was all my fault because you didnt think I was capable of it...haha.

I have my Yolo moments.

One time you said were starting to talk about bit coin, and I just jumped right in and started talking about it too. You looked at me with such shock, you couldn't believe I knew about Bit Coin. I was very proud. You were too.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

I think it's going to be those little things that get me when I get back.

The way you absent-mindedly play with your tie.

Bold calls

I talked to C and T about you today.

It's really weird. I'm ok with everything. I'm in a good place.

I almost got you to call me last night. We texted until 3 am. I'll take it.

You're different. Even than before we were close...I think. I don't know if you've actually changed, if you're going through a phase, or if you're just treating me differently than ever before. I don't really know what to do with you.

All the parts of you that loved me at some time are dormant or suppressed. Somehow we're still friends.

Somehow it still works.

One time last year you called me, And I had been asleep. I answered all groggy, and you were like, "why do you sound like that!? Why do you sound...like...like a GIRL?!"

A drop in the ocean

You told me not to cry when you were gone.

It's crazy that I was basically punished for the exact same thing she was guilty of. Just because I was done convincing you I was worth it.
I wasn't going to sell myself to you. Not like she did. I'm not going to stroke your ego just to spend time with you. That means nothing.

You say you've stopped being friends with her.

I'm sure you mean it now. But I've heard it before.
That's one of your problems. You're so open minded you can't hold a decision.
And I know her too.
She's not giving you up this easily. She thinks she's giving you space now. And then the semester will be back to how it was. She'll start following you around like a lost puppy again.

Maybe it will.

You choose her. You reached out to me after you failed. That's not good enough. I don't care if I'm the one that knows you're allergic to Greek yogurt and you don't like ginger. That your favorite roast of coffee is Colombian. That your parents woke you up in the middle night when you were five and surprised you by leaving for Disney.

You chose already.

I'm your friend.

Welcome to square one. Square two is baggage claim.

Shots Fired

I've talked a lot about you lately.

I've talked a lot to you lately.

We're so different. Each and together.

I'm talking to someone else from school lately. It's nbd.

I feel like there's flickers of the you I know in our conversations. I don't know if you've actually changed and there's just moments where I see the old you, or if you are suppressing yourself to me.

I've changed. I've changed how I talk to you. I give you as much attention as you give me. If you want me you have to do something about it.

I'm no side chick.

Even beyond me, you need to grow up for yourself. Doesn't matter who you change for, it's temporary unless you want it.

If you told me you loved me I'm not sure what I'd do.

I might smack you actually.
At least I might feel that way. I think we all know I'm pretty much a pacifist at heart.

There'd be a rush up hope, followed by a pit of fear and hurt. Then uncertainty. And then a lot of anger.

I got hit on at my coffee shop today. He wasn't too bad actually.

I have to admit, I really miss our late night phone calls. Let's be real.

Who are we?
Who will we be?

Shots fired.

Power cries.

Power cries are literally the best. Lose it all and then walk away.

Let's go.

Holding out

Today is your birthday.
My plan was to text you at midnight. About your mug. But there was a change of plans.

Because you texted me.

In the middle of yesterday afternoon.

About politics.

What.

I gave it to you straight tho. 😏
"Are you asking because you're bored, you're trying to prove a point or because you actually value my opinion"

You choose the right answer.

We talked about it, and about my kids in my class. And about school.

I sent you my pithy birthday wish around 10:30 because I was tired.

You ignored it. How like you.

But you said Night.

We haven't said goodnight since before the fallout.
I may have freaked.

And there was today. We're still talking now and you're being open again. And consoling my frustration from bad grades.

And my heart is thawing but I don't want it to.

I don't want it to.

The best advice giver

I give advice. A lot. I seek people out when I know something's up. It's not that I intend to advise them, I just usually end up doing it. I've been involved in several relationships this summer but I'm tired of giving everyone else advice. I'm not tired of them, or their problems...No, I love it.

I just want to advise my own relationship.

I thought I was ok. It comes back and laps at my ankles. Calling me back down.

Like the time you said someone cut their hair like mine to attract guys like you.

Yeah you actually said that and want me to believe I was friend zoned the whole time. K says you're in  denial. I don't know what to think.

I know what my gut tells me. What it's told me the whole time. Even while we were happy.

You're scared. You're afraid of commitment. Of a real relationship. And I get that. I'm scared too.

But just because you're scared doesn't mean that you can pretend it was never there. Doesn't mean you can talk yourself out of your feelings until you've convinced yourself and then try to sell me that lie.

That's what hurts. The fact that you won't come clean.

Who cares. She'll reinforce that delusion and then we're nowhere.

When she says those words that hurt you will you read the ones I wrote you.

Or remember when you tried to tell me I looked pretty in the rain.

I guess I'm ok.

It's been awhile. I think that's why I'm ok.

Somewhere in between your apologies and dropping off the face of the earth again I've moved on. I can't explain it. I should be just as broken. More so, by talking to you and losing you yet again.

Your birthday is a week from today. I'll text you, but it's not a big deal now.

I'm still worried about what she'll do to you. We'll see how that goes when the time comes.

I can look back on the good times now. The morning coffee dates. The time you made me late to rehearsal because you had to buy me candy "RIGHT NOW"
the days we'd spend the whole day together and still not be done.

I remember the times you let yourself love me.

Staaahp

You sent me a picture late last night. 

White girl stop sign.

I replied.

Changed priorities ahead sign

Nothing.

You're good at nothing.

Entp how do you not have feelings like we do? I can't grasp it. And that's unusual for me.

C told me you two had a creation debate and you called him.

I'd give a lot to hear your voice.

Call you on your birthday? 😬

imiss-you-

Nah I'll live.

The purge

No contact today.
It's good that I didn't stress over it.
We acted like friends.

Well texting worked for now.

I went through my planner from last fall during my purge today.
I found a drawing I did. It's of your glasses and eyebrows when you make that face. It made me smile.

I remember watching you through the reflection of my laptop in American Lit. We seriously had fun in that class.

That's when you made the tear-able puns joke.

It took me weeks to figure it out.

I would always try to look nice for that class.
I'd text you summaries. Try to time when I left my dorm so I could catch you and walk with you.

I remember trying to make you study for the final. It was awful. I made you pass that class. Don't know how we did it.

I never judged you for your grades. And grades are so important to me. I guess you were more important.

I'll probably throw up when I see you.

Just a little over a month now.

Also.

Also you would look drop dead gorgeous in a tux. K agrees. You were made for a tux. 😏

Temporary fix

I got you back for about 24 hours. I don't know how I feel about that.

Kind of good actually.

We talked some this afternoon. Light conversation. Called you out on Twitter.

I just really want to hear your voice.

Game Changing.

You texted me.

You actually texted me.

We're talking right now.

What.

You asked me about my summer.
We talked about psychology.
I asked you point blank why you texted me.
You said something lame about how you were texting everyone.
Then I asked you why you never replied in May.
You apologized. And it was really sincere.

Now we're talking like old times.
This is crazy.

Paying my dues to the dirt

If you love somebody, better tell them while they're here, cause, they might just run away from you.

I found vines you did last year. I missed your voice so bad I didn't know it.

M is riding down with me to school. We were talking logistics.

You were supposed to road trip with me.

I must have imagined it a thousand times. And I imagined the part where I'd drop you off with your family and meet them again. Imagine their concern at the rest of the drive I had. Maybe even there'd be a standing offer for me to stop and stay if I'm driving through.

I imagined telling stories in the car. Getting closer. Lots of laughing and silly arguments. A good philosophical debate. Singing along to our favorite songs. Planning our futures.

I wanted to have that with you.

Instead I'm spending my time figuring out what I'm going to text you on your birthday. I committed to that text.

Oh, how am I gonna get over you?
I'll be all right.
Just not tonight.

Twitter

I was walking through Kroger, looking at mangoes. My phone buzzed, and I checked it.

You followed me on Twitter.

Which honestly sounds like a crazy thing to flip over.

But you don't use your Twitter. Ever. You didn't know that I followed you nearly a year ago because you never even logged in.

And then you chose to follow me. Like I know you thought about it.

I'm still standing in Kroger. Frozen.
I can't even process what the mangoes look like. I ended up buying bananas I didn't even want because I already had an open produce bag.

What were my most recent tweets?
How far would he go back?
Would he see the way I acted with the entp account? What would be his deduction?
Would he find a vague tweet about him?
Would he think I was pathetic?
What will I tweet next?
Is he going to pay attention to anything I tweet?
Is this a test?

I basically shook all the rest of the way through Kroger. Couldn't remember what I needed.

Sat in the car and stared at the notification. Picked through your profile again. Read the tweet you posted right when you followed me about how you still didn't like Twitter.

Thought of 4697317905 things I could tweet.

I put my earbuds in, blasted my Pandora and drove home. Sara B.'s gonna get over you is great. I smiled because I knew three things.

1. I still really do love you
2. I'm not going to tweet any different because of this
3. Somehow my life is ok.

Peppermint Patties

(Edited. from 7/18)You used to come into the store when I was working on Wednesdays, when you had a free hour, and buy me chocolate. York peppermint patties or the Hershey nuggets. They were only 15 ¢ each, and you'd use all the change you had left. Sometimes I'd be in the back, and when I came back, the girl I worked with would say "that guy left chocolate for you." She loved working that shift because you'd buy her some too.

I went vegan and couldn't eat them anymore. But I didn't have the heart to tell you so, because I freaking loved it. I gave it away for a couple of weeks, then finally had to tell you.

I was so important to you then.
I don't really know what happened. I mean I understand she basically brainwashed you, but there's such a huge difference between that you and 3 months ago you.

You who texted me because you thought you heard my voice and you who doesn't reply for 2 months.

Where are you?

Debates and Feelings

I debated with that entp for hours today. And, wow, I miss the crap out of you.

I did a lot of mbti reading today too.

I don't understand how you can live so coldly. I feel like you're missing all of life.

One guy said it took over a year for him to fall in love.

No. I had to get out when I did.

I want to talk to you when we get back to school. Not to get you. To get answers.

I believe you cared about me. I believe you considered a future. I want to know.

I really hate how much I love entps. You entrance me.

I miss being happy.

Not so Bad

I guess I don't miss you too badly today.

I'm talking with an anon ENTP account on Twitter.

It's a debate, obviously.
Conceptual.

I miss your conversation. So refreshingly unique and thought-provoking. It challenges me.

Makes me think about how we got started talking. You used a word I felt wasn't appropriate, and we argued about it for at least a week.

I thought we would either hate each other or become the best of friends.

I didn't know we would do both.

Homes

Staying with a friend tonight.

She's been gone all summer, and was talking about how special it was to show friends her home.

To share joy.

To share memories.

To be brave enough to be vulnerable, because you're safe. Safe with people you love, sharing what you love.

I dreamed about doing that with you. I would notice things about you that you had in common with people. I would say to myself "Oh you would like so-and-so."

That's why I volunteered to watch my cousins in Nashville. It's halfway. I was already planning our summer.

Here I am. Alone by myself.

Happy Summer.

Titanium

Titanium was on my Pandora today.

That's how we met.
You were humming it backstage, and I started singing it. We officially met then. Apparently.

I don't remember it.

You texted me after we stopped talking to tell me you remembered. It didn't hurt you to relive a special moment like it hurt me.

I thought that was really selfish.

As soon as your story was over you stopped replying to my texts.

Two months ago.

My voice

I sang "On My Own" from Les Miserables last night on the drive to church.

I want to sing that for an audition.
Bucket list.

I get lots of compliments on my voice. It's not Broadway quality, but it's not bad either. Call me best of the worst. Worst of the best.

You would never comment on my voice. I'd even bring it up to see if you'd say anything. People would compliment me in front of you, and you would always just ignore it. It was like you rolled your eyes at me.

That hurt.

Casual clothes

I was trying to get you to go to Tevye work nights. You only came to a few, because it was your running night. I mentioned that I'm uncomfortable when not dressed up.  You said "Haha oh man I should have came then!"
Tevye...wow there's a lot in there. Like the time we ran away. Or what H said. Another day.

I'm listening to Come Fly With Me. It's your favorite old jazz song.

That coffee mug

I have a screenshot of a snap you sent me. Of the "coolest gift ever."

I don't care if people thought I went too far. I'm glad they know I gave it to you. You were so guilty that you 'weren't as awesome'--but that never mattered to me. It was about giving. Most of our relationship was me giving. But that's not the point either.
I don't care if that coffee mug that looks like a camera lens tipped you off to that fact that I loved you. (But face it: we all thought that there was an understanding)
I don't care.
I'm glad I did it. I would have regretted not doing it.

But I hope that every time you see it...every time someone tells you how cool it is...you think of me.

And what you've lost.

We're Mad

"We're Mad! I don't know what we're mad about, but we're mad!"'

I just found that in my twitter timeline. February 4th.

I think I was mothering one of the boys, or someone. Maybe even K. I just know you weren't completely listening, and I was just starting to tear into someone. I think it was K, pushing her health against my advice. She laughed at you. We both did.

It was the first time you referred to us as a unit.

And in that moment, I was happy.

I remember telling L. She had been having that look on her face for weeks...you know, that "YOU LOVE HIM" face. We were getting in my car when I told her. She smoothed it under her breath so if I didn't want to hear her we could both pretend I didn't.

"Y'all are so cute together."


But I wanted to hear her.

Video

You posted a video two days ago.

I must have watched it ten times. You're so crazy talented. That's something I always loved about you--your passion for film. I wish I could have watched you edit it. I can't watch film the same way after you. There was a shot...a garden. I froze, because I had dejavu. That's such a cliche, isn't it? But I did. It was part of a dream I've had a couple of times--in fact, I think I wrote it in one of those letters back in the olden days. (2010)


Crap--Do I still have those letters?


One more reason to clean out my closet.


I liked the video. At first it was an accident, but then I figured, if you're going to get a notification anyway, I may as well actually have the guts to like it, and not just look like a stalker who accidentally liked then unliked. We haven't spoken 2 months today.

You posted a Facebook video too--it's really good. best quality on your channel, even though you're talking it down (as always.) You have over 500 view in under 48 hours, even with school out. 5:33 am...did you stay up all night? You probably couldn't sleep. Passionate Insomniacs never do.

Who knows--maybe you actually got up that early. props.

Our Song

My Pandora played our song today: Rather Be. It wasn't really "our song," because there never really was an us. But it was a song that was special to us, and you may not think I noticed (trust me--I always notice). I remember walking down Varsity Terrace. I was sad because I thought I was going to lose you (but you didn't know that yet. all you knew was that I was sad).

You asked me if I was ok for about the fifteenth time that day. Of course I said I was. What else could I say?

You Stopped. The whole group stopped to watch us, surprised.

"No, you aren't. What's wrong?"

I couldn't talk about it. You hummed Rather Be.

That's why it's our song. You always hummed or sang it when I was upset. I don't believe for a second that you didn't know what you were doing.

Things about you

This is a blog of a heart.
You many find out pieces of this heart and pieces of this story along the way.
But for now, you're invited on a spectacularly eclectic journey through a healing process, as we find out
things about you.